I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
