He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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