go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
