I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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