if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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