the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize