You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
