im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
