Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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