I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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