There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
