I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
