shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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