Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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