I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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