i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
