Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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