Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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