First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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