I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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