I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she peed on how many people?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
