I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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