I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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