Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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