My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize