I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
