He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
