so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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