I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
