she looked like the before picture.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
