If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just want nice things and good sex
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
