Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
