is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
