i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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