She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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