i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
