You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
