I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
