I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize