you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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