Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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