i love accidental penises.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
