Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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