I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
How's work?
Spinning.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
