I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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