My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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