I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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