This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
