My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize