I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
