My sheets look like a crime scene.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
