I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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