wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
