so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
