i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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