Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize