Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
