Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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