Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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