I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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