how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
