He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
