he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
