to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
