please come you make the beer taste better
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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